CJ don't shit your pants
by TinkersDisciple
Summary: CJ and the gang (and Rico Rodriguez) and some celebrity imitators from las venturas go on a epic roadtrip through the san andreas area spanning over the years from 2014 to now. Just cause is not the only crossover in this. Written by my brother and me.


HIFFFFF…. AAhh

-imagine dragons

Close after sunrise CJ left his house. The toilet was locked. Though he tried to wait for big smoke, the fatso, to finish the giant deuce, he did not make it, so CJ unfortunately shit his pants. Now he stood there. Embarrassed. He remembered it. He had held one hand to his ass and the other on his forehead and yelled: "SIGHTED LAND!".

Then the turd slowly escaped his butt cheeks. Though they had worked good and even better in cooperation with his hands, they eventually gave up under the pressure the crap put them under. CJ had eaten two N°9, one N°9 large, two N°45 one with extra chicken, a pizza and a little roast beef.

Then the poop emerged into his pants as a warm solid turd, he had felt it expanding the fabric of his boxers and now it felt very unpleasant on his butt cheeks. Thinking about his butt cheeks, CJ had to think about himself: "I'm a real cutie and not just a doormat for that, as ozzy osbourne might say, paranoid Ryder". He still had that song in his head, "jeans on" by David Dundas. Yeah his blue jeans-baggy-pants were sweet too; and actually green.

But he could not keep standing there, waiting for big smoke to bust him. So he took the first steps outside the Johnson House. He walked on the grove street, his legs spread making him look like a cowboy, or a sailor. Maybe even a drunken sailor. One with drunken in his name. Yes! The professional Gangßanger scryed a bicycle. He might take it, but imagine the mess, the saddle would make in his pants. It would just squeeze the brown mass all over his pants, making it clearly visible to everyone. Once again he thought back to when he had shit his pants. The smell was so disgusting, he had immediately puked. He held his mouth shut with his right hand, since he had already been holding it (with his finger and thumb in the shape of an "L") on his forehead. He then slowly turned his head left and right, as if he was crossing a road, though he never watched out for any cars actually. Then he slightly bent over, and first let his hand do a downward gesture, then he puked on the floor, following the path he had just drawn with his hand not leaving a puddle.

He walked around town with a frown on his face when he suddenly saw a black man with braces, he knew that face: "Hey Chamillionaire what are you doin' on the west coast?" CJ yelled. "I'm West coast too now." "How's that?" "I was in Germany 89 and thought to myself ok if nobody in America can hear it I might as well yell Westside, and then the wall came breakin' down." Chamillionaire explained.

CJ made a face and Chamillionaire asked: "How 'bout a small round of "they crawled from Uranus"?" "Nah thanks man I had that already today, sort of." Chamillionaire held his nose with two fingers and said: "I didn't know that was you, we need to get you new clothes." "I know," CJ said and sighed, "but what are we gonna tell the others why I don't wear grove street clothes." "We simply say it's for a," Chamillionaire paused, "chamission, we disguise ourselves as someone else." CJ smiled and pulled out his spray can and fired it against the brown spot on his ass: "so no one will know in the shop, how are we gonna get there anyway?"

"In my car," Chamillionaire answered, "you will be ridin' dirty." CJ looked at his watch, he hadn't done a mission in ages and now it was already 2014, Chamillionaire was famous and all he had done was wrecking cars, flying jetpacks and pass out on the curb after many of his life threatening "accidents". CJ and Chamillionaire went to the shop and bought new clothes, fortunately as they came out of the stall with their new clothes on Cesar and Big Smoke appeared, Chamillionaire quickly introduced them to their new, completely made up, plan and they bought new clothes too.

They looked at themselves in the mirror; Big smoke wore a light blue winter hat with a yellow bobble and a red jacket. Chamillionaire wore a dark blue winter hat with a red bobble and a brown jacket. Cesar wore a green winter hat which included flaps and an orange jacket. CJ was completely dressed in orange and even had the orange hood of his jacket pulled up. They went outside the store and all four sat in Big Smoke's car, CJ was assigned as driver while Chamillionaire gave directions.

They heard Radio X, although it plays the same ten songs in a row since the nineties it was the only radio station in San Andreas anyone would eventually listen to. Sage coughed and played "been caught stealing". CJ ran over a policeman and Chamillionaire yelled: "look CJ, in the upper right corner, you got a star." CJ looked to the upper right corner of his windshield and saw that the Officer's star shaped badge was indeed stuck underneath gum where the glass connects to the metal. "I even had six stars once." CJ said, smiling as if he was the jarl of whiterun, in his case blackrun.

They came to a sky scraper with a hotdog stand in front and Chamillionaire went straight for the Elevator while the others, except CJ, followed. CJ went to the opposite side of the road. "what are you waiting for? The elevator's over here", big smoke yelled. "Yeah, I just gotta eat something. You know, to keep my strength up." "Oh, oh, I'll have 3 chilidogs too. And a normal hotdog. And maybe some fries?" "yeah, I'll have the same" Cj agreed". "Good, you two better stay down and wait here" Cesar said "the elevator might crash if that fatso goes with us" "Hey" both CJ and big smoke said at once. On top of the building they all stood around and didn't know what to do, Chamillionaire had to make up something; he pointed towards the parachute and suggested to jump down.

"It is only one parachute and it takes hours until someone brings a new one" Cesar said angrily. "The Latino is right." Big smoke said. "Shut up fatso" Cesar answered. "Ho ho hold up hold up *coughing*, I'm gonna jump down without parachute, Chamillionaire will take it and jump and catch me on the way down, you do the same when the next parachute comes." "I would only expect such a dumb idea from Big Smoke but not you Carl." Cesar inquired. "Shut up Latino." Big Smoke answered. Then Carl jumped down yelling: "I hate gravityyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" He landed on a Cab and face planted. "It killed CJ!" Chamillionaire yelled, "This bastard!" Cesar responded.

Later that day CJ exited the hospital and got a call from Cesar. "The yay leavin' San Fierro, right?" He asked in a routine, "No the dumbass leavin' the hospital, right?" Cesar yelled back. "We were worried at first but the doctor said you were just wasted and it would heal in six hours."

Now that six hours had passed, the chilidog, CJ had eaten earlier, started working. His stomach growled. "Oh maaaa-aaa-a-a-a-a-a-an pls." Cj thought. "Sorry Ms Johnson", Cesar sang. "You must leave, CJ, city's not save anymore. Flee to san fiero" Cesar advised CJ out of context, having not known what to do next. "Nah, I ain't down. I can't leave my best non-grove-street and my sister behind. You come with me." "OK, if you say so" Cesar answered: "but what kind of a vehicle can transport us all?" "Yeah man, those cars are too small for all of us", big smoke interrupted" "even a Jumbo jet isn't large enough for you". "Hey, wait, I have an idea" Chamillionaire interfered, pointing to three busses going around a corner, "A tourist guide. The busses grant enough space for our group. And Holy shit, we can be drinking and smoking" "That's a good idea", the other gangsters agreed in a chorus.

They got in the Bus, Chamillionaire went in first cause CJ would usually beat the drivers head against the steering wheel yelling: "Nothing personal, but you're gettin' jacked." The driver was a rather old man, having long grey hair. Well, more like wreath of long grey hair. He had a slim face, the shapes of many bones could be seen, and a long, thin beard. When everyone had gotten in the bus, he began driving of slow. Smoke was occupying the entire back row. Cesar was sitting next Carl, his best friend on this rather strange journey. CJ was sitting next to the door.

"Yo let's ride of" CJ rather yelled than said. Chamillionaire took out a little bottle and, throwing his head back, emptied the shot. "Man, I wish I could smoke" "Oh yeah", the tourist guide "answered" Chamillionaire's reaction, "the Tour is quite rough. I would offer you a sle. .an anti travel sickness pill, but I'm all out, and you seemed to have a fine solution yourself. Later we'll get to a restaurant, but don't eat more than 11 Pizzas, or you'll gonna have a bad time".

The ride went on. As said before, the busses weren't driving fast; the ride was boring instead of rough. Except of course if you were trying to stay awake during the trip, that would make it hard. Usually. So they went through the beat down city, the tourist guide laughing and pointing to random houses, broken cars, and black cops.

After about sev'teen minutes, and many boring turns through sections of town they all, especially CJ, knew too well. At the end of the road stand a person. Dressed in a dark green Jacket with thick sunglasses and a black cap. He waved the bus to stop, smoke following his hand. The Driver, who was also the guide, stopped next to the Hoodlum.

He opened the door. The enormous smell of weed entered the small Bus. "Heeeyyy CeeeeeJaaayyyy" Ryder said, "Hey! CJ!" "yo, Ryder, can I have some of that?" Chamillionaire asked. Ryder sighed "Ok" he passed the joint on to Chamillionaire, who placed the almost done cigarette between his almost-50-percent-iron-teeth. He finished the joint in a single breath, threw it towards the closing door, and slowly threw his head back, emerging smoke from his mouth. The joint hit the door, instead of flying through the opening. Luckily, the absently blabbering bus driver didn't notice this.

The 5 eventually came to the beach quite close to CJ's home. CJ did in fact almost never go there, even though it was quite close. The man pointed to a tree to the left of the bus on the beach. It's a "wondertree". You see those balls? One can make a great anti sunburn lotion from it. You just have to drink a teaspoon in the morning…"He stopped. Ryder noticed Carl had run off "NOOO!" the driver Yelled, "Don't eat those/drink that! It was a joke. You're not gonna get sunburn because…" CJ had finished the castor oil. "Never mind." He sighed "you were gonna sit on the toilet all day long" "Why would that be?" Chamillionaire asked. "Don't you get anything?" Cesar asked being obviously disappointed. "Those. Are. Laxatives! FOOL!" "ohh, yeah yeah of course. OF COURSE" Ryder examined the situation in a high voice, probably from being stoned. "Oh shit" CJ exclaimed, Chamillionaire smiled: "Literally". "Well hehehe" The Tourist guard said "The Laxative's gonna take an hour or two till it starts working, You will make it to the restaurant."

"Uh-oh" CJ said, suddenly sitting on both his hands "The Chilli dog" "more like the dogs" Big smoke interrupted him "started working" CJ finished his sentence. "Driver" Chamillionaire said in a very calm voice "could you please stop, he's gotta take a shit" "No stops, only losers stop on such a boring place. And were going to a restaurant that's truly off normal tourist routes, not many people visit it." "CJ" Cesar was talking in a very serious manner "CJ, can you hold it. You know, the entire bus would get an awkward smell" "yeah, that would be the worst thing" Big smoke entered the conversation with sarcasm "A homie never wants to see another homie have an accident" He was obviously in for trouble with Cesar. "I know, but you don't want that smell too, do you?" CJ sighed "I too not like to smell turds too.", He said. CJ had had the song "never let me down again" in his head the whole day and now thought about the part that was sung just before the title of the song was sung, but CJ had to parody it to make it fitting, although he was indeed taking a ride with his best friends. "I'm taking a dump in my best pants." CJ sang in his mind.

The bus accelerated and CJ was thrown back in his seat. He hit the bank real hard with his back and almost lost control for a second. CJ twitched, in a fast motion he moved his hands under his butt as he felt the turd pushing.

The bus stopped with squealing wheels next to a cluckin' bell. The doors opened and the entire west coast transformed into Hong Kong; People with improvised gas masks everywhere. Green fog came out of the bus doors and a group of five emerged from it, they all wore dark sunglasses and smoked weed. They all stood still in front of the smoke emitting bus, it looked like a scene from outer space in a comic, an encounter of the turd kind so to say. At a closer look you could also see that the fog around 'em was, in fact, not gas. Oh yes, there was another brown package CJ would bring to light the next time he would remove his pants, and he hoped this moment would come soon. "Hell yeah, that's the shit!" everybody around him rapped.

CJ exited the cluckin' bell's restroom relieved, with clean clothes on and everybody else was also happy to finally be able to breathe again. They left the cluckin' bell and wanted to return to Big Smoke's suspicious new home outside the grove street, unlike the old new home of Big Smoke this one was actually in san Fierro and the bus had only brought them around the corner which was still far away from san Fierro.

After walking several miles in the hot morning sun of los Santos everybody got tired, there had to be another way. "We need to find some way of transporting us all CJ." Big smoke said, gasping for air. "O.K. let me show you the dance of my people." CJ announced and started making weird moves such as ducking down and turning as if he was a rapping dog in the first level, but as soon as he was finished he had a jetpack on his back.

"Now listen and repeat." CJ said wisely. "No way, José." Cesar answered. CJ walked past a hole dragging a golf ball with his club into it and nonchalantly responded: "Thank you very little."

"I have been to many, many hospitals!" CJ announced, "And I became acquainted with a man who was no rare visitor either." With that CJ dialed a number and a helicopter flew by, picking them up and transporting them to Big Smoke's home.

"Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy CeeeeeeeeeeJaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy, Hey CJ, who is this guy?" Ryder asked. "This is Rico Rodriguez, he is a freelance superspy out to save the world in between his life-threatening stunts, his agency does everything for him and his friends, they also cover his insurance." CJ explained shortly. "Now everybody open your parachutes." Rico announced. "Oh para-shoot." Everyone answered.

They all landed smoothly on Big Smoke, whose enormous fat body had absorbed all damage from the fall. They all got up and walked away, leaving a flattened Chamillionaire behind. Everyone entered the suspicious home of Big Smoke and they went into the kitchen.

"Let's have us a nice nutritious meal" CJ yelled, raising a bottle of booze to everyone else. They hollered out in agreement.

Now the gang of them stood around the frying pan while Rico was in the basement searching for more ingredients. Big smoke passed the bottle of oil on to CJ, "time to oil up!" he said and started pouring with a malicious grin on his face. Then it was Ryder's turn to oil up, and the bottle went back to big smoke.

The pan was dripping with oil as Rico returned, he flicked a switch and the gas stove went alive. A giant explosion of fat erupted all around the kitchen and "poof" hamburgers had spawned in the pan, it was a grove street family recipe and a cheat all in the same time.

Suddenly Jules and Vincent Vega busted their door, searching for a black briefcase, which contents were to remain unknown. Jules pointed his gun at everyone while Vincent stood in the room next door, which was miraculously also a kitchen. Everyone said "What?" to Jules and he replied with "Motherfucker", then looked at their hamburgers and said. "Hamburgers! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast." Then Jules had a revelation and the two contract killers left and the gang never heard from them again.

"Look, out there!" Rico yells, looking out of the window, "What are we gonna do about pancake Chamillionaire out there?"

"What are you looking at me for!?" Cesar answers him snappy, "The fatso has flattened him like that! Bites me what is now gonna happen with him."

"He said he joined the westside, we can't let him lay flat in the streets like that." CJ said.

"Oh shit dudes, we gonna get a coffin like this." Ryder says and mimics and flat round shape, like the one used to demonstrate the earth in grove school.

The grove street gang is dressed up in green suits like in the "hey ya" video and they are all circled around a thin wooden plate with the earth drawn on it.

"Today we have come together in the name of a friend and coworker." Henry Rollins announces to the crowd, then he continues with: "Henry Rollins, Henry hatins, Henry trollins, Henry trying to catch me ridin' dirty."

"What the heck!?" the crowd yells at his direction. Then chamillionaire shows up to explain that he and Henry rollins were just immitators and his death was fake.

CJ left the scene quickly to go to the toilet. Today he wouldn't crap himself that's for sure! He ran out of luck the moment he approached the toilet. It was locked, he put a poptard in the toaster and grabbed a huge black machine gun. He heard a flush and the toilet door opened and CJ shot the man without remorse, then he himself went to the toilet and forgot all about the poptart.

Exiting, His smell and brown traces perfectly covering the blood stains and smell of dead body, he saw, His Poptart was gone.

He checked everyone's mouzhs by taking out his trusty M4, which somehow enhanced his vision to see them closer.

He noticed what should havce been obvious from the start: Big smoke,the squad's fatso, was chewing. "SMOKE MAN" CJ yelled out, "Are you eatin' mah Poptart?!" "More like Pop turd", Ceaser interrupted.

"OK, guys, we did it." Chammillionaire infomred them, his fake plan having somehow worked out, "Let us get back home, there'S still many Porblems to be solved"; he coughed, "CJ". CJ had still not done any missions, being busy with holding n all the Poop and encountering the People of San Fiero. "NoNo, Mendoza and his Henchmen aee onto us, we need get out here", Rico interrupted him.

"OK, ok, alright, I Know safe way anywhere."

Half an hour later, that seemed to have passed in mere half minute, they arrived at the train station. Soon a train came, the brown express. CJ blushed reading thename. They now all entered the train, barely giving room to Only CJ

and Ceaser, each needing an entire wagon for themselves. And they did not have to pretend to throw up and play Majong with an old Lady. They were truly living the good life.

The train started rowling after waitng twenty more minutes, and an angry squad of Gangbangers chased the train, soon decreasing in numbrs as Big smoke, Ryder, and the rest ran out of breath.

"ALL OYU HAD TO DO" Big smoke examined the situation, "WAS

FOLLOW

THE  
DAMN  
TRAIN, CJ!"

Fueled by pure force of anger (and Ramen). He started running. His enourmes weight had him run the risk of having a heart attack, and not soon after the ret of the group heard him yell for help "Back up! I need Backup! I'm having a heartattack!" He collapsed on the ground.

Six hpurs later, he too left hospital, and decided that it was finally time. After twenty long years, he would go back to weight lifting, which he had given up shortly after CJ's mom ahad died, and started eating to suppress the sadder. Unlike CJ, who was just greedy,

Entering The fitness studio, he saw a quite empty, large room with fwooden flooring. He saw a mat with weight on it, a bench to bench press, a tarining bike and a keyboard tht had an extremely used up Space bar. He decided to train via the latter, by repeatedly quikly presssing the space bar. Soon his right arm was a lot stronger than his left arm.

CjOn the other hand was sitting in the train. He had noticed none of this, and it wouldn't be until another two and a half years before he would retunr to meet Smoke again.

Tghe train soon after morphed rather than smashed trough the abrrieers police had put up to stop Him and anyone else trying to travel. They had been put up, after a new President had been elected and built up road blocks to keep out aliens. Which is why there was no acces to Area 69.

"OK, say CJ" Ceaser yelled out of his wagon to reach CJ "Rico said something about calling help from the government. Any idea where we could do it?"

"Sure, my man, we need Area 69, They got good shit there" Cj said, although he had never actually gone there without going through A ceiling in Los Santos by Jet pack and then flying all the way there below the ground.

"OH SHIT" Cj Hit the gournd hard, having jumped out of the train at its full speed. Ceaser followed right up, rolling like a barrell and the getting up.

We need to go uh… there. Cj Pointed roughly right to the big ear, of course not knwoing where to go. "Alrigth, carl, let's go then"

Havin spend hours running through he desert, passing out once and being saved by an african arms dealer, the yfinally reached a small town, with a gigantic chicken seeming just perfect to play a gigantic version of skyrim.

"Fock Meih, were wrong." "What do you mean, Carl. YOU got lost?" "I forgot to close the door!" Carl replied. Let'SGe tgoing.

The soon found the old airstrip and jusr after the hill they found it: Area 69, founded after 69/11 had happened.

"What IN Tarnation" Carl said, having bought a Cowboy hat to fight the desert sun heat.

"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me", Ceaser relied "I'll have you know I graduated from the top of my class in the navy seals, i've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-"

"Oh Ord besesos, it's a cazador", the severly stoned Ryder, whom you could barely tell apart from an elderly woman with a lung disease, yelled!

"holy fucking shit", CJ said, pulling out a minigun he had cheated himself earlier. "Brrrrrrraaaaapapaappaap", the minigun said.

They got into a car and CJ turned the radio on: "The women of San Andreas ask me a lot if there's a Mrs. New Vegas. Well, of course there is. You're her. And you're still as perfect as the day we met. " "Thanks, you're such a charmer." CJ's sister replied.

CJ switched to Radio X, rolling his eyes that the default station was never what he wanted to hear.

"CJ switch it back!" Cesar yelled, "That was my girl with that sleeze on his Radio Station!"

And it was indeed. CJ and Cesar decided to infiltrate the radio station at the big ear, to confront the two lovebirds.

The two rushed in, guns blazing, to find Kendl in a queensize bed cuddled up to a robot with a microphone on the night stand.

"Whoops, better put on my newsman fedora, here." The Robot said, took his hat and placed where his crotch would be if he were human.

"Kendl! What is this!?" Cesar demanded to know.

"This is Mr. New Vegas, filling in for . . ."

"Cesar!"

"I can explain!" Kendl cried out.

"If you like news, you're gonna love our next segment." Mr. New Vegas commented.

"Are all the other stations also hosted by Robots?" The incredulous CJ asked.

All the others turned around to angrily look at CJ.

"You know what, I'm just gonna take off and complete the mission I think." He quickly said, while backing out the door.

CJ wandered through the merciless mojave Desert until he arrived in las venturas. It didn't make his trip any easier that he also had four stars. Then he saw a cool building to jump of off and entered, not knowing no-one had entered the lucky thirty-eight in a hundred years or more.

"How dare you disturb me, before the nuclear apocalypse has even happened." An elderly voice called out to him.

"Woozy?" CJ asked.

"No, this is Mr. House."

"The doctor from that TV show?"

Mr. House sighed at the ignorance of the hoodlum.

"Look, you're supposed to give me a platinum chip which I still have. And I'm not supposed to give that quest to you anyway."

"That's not a problem doctor, I can just unplug the playstation until you need me." CJ offered.

The doctor looked as though he had a headache.

"Look, Mr. Johnson, my computer has told me you would come, and that I best get you to do your own Mission."

"Again no problem doc. I'd just have to use your phone for a sec."

So Mr. House let CJ use his phone.

"Operator, connect to me to Rook Island." CJ said calmly. It beeped ominously for a few times, then he heard the familiar voice of Dennis, sounding panicked: "CJ, all of your friends have been sold to Buck. As the warrior of the Rakyat it is you, who is their only hope."

"Aight man, sure thing." CJ said, "But can I first do the Mission again where I burn all the yay?"

Mr. House pressed the hang-up button, he looked pretty pissed.

"Mr. Johnson, care to explain yourself?!"

"You said I should continue the mission."

"Do you even know how much a call to Rook Island costs?!"

"So just cheat the money, man." CJ answered and rolled his eyes, "besides shouldn't you have some money left from House M.D?"

"Get out!" Mr. House shouted.

"Is there a roof exit?" CJ asked.

After CJ got out of the hospital for having wasted himself yet again he called Rico Rodriguez. He seemed a little sore today, but didn't want to tell CJ why.

CJ told him what Mr. House had said during the helicopter extraction.

"He had the audicity to tell me to complete the Mission!" CJ yelled over the engine, "Like why would I want to use my Pizza to defeat the Brickster instead of eating it myself?! Wait, where are you flying us?"

It was the Johnson House; Rico now also wanted CJ to complete his Mission.

As they entered, everyone from Grove Street was already inside, throwing a surprise party and wishing a happy birthday.

"How sweet of you to remember the fifteenth anniversary of GTA San Andreas." CJ said happily.

"We're not here because of you, dumbass." Cesar said, "It's Rico's 51st birthday."

"That's pretty damn old for a spy." CJ inquired.

"I know, I know." Rico said resentfully, "It's just, you know, I could have retired last year."

"And hang with us the entire time, eating pizza and doing drive-bys in Big Smoke's suspicious new neighborhood? That'd be great! Just cash your chips and we'll dress you green and lean and you'll fit right in."

"I can't." He sighed, "I haven't completed the mission yet."

"Ow man, what a bummer. Hey would you mind blowing out the candles, I want a piece of that cake." With that CJ sat down on the couch and started up his console.

"What about Sweet?" Cesar asked.

"About who?" CJ said, glaring at the screen with a dull expression.

"Your brother, the one Ryder and I got into Prison." Big Smoke tried to help.

"You did? Well I'll just finish this here round of duality, maybe start a new play-through because I've already cheated so much in this one and . . ." He paused briefly, "I'll just get to it next week or so, I'm kind of all occupied right now. Actually I might as well finish in 2020, after all if I don't start a new play-through I have to get rid of that cheated money . . ."

The End?


End file.
